“It’s only when caterpillar-ness is done that one becomes a butterfly. That again is part of this paradox. You cannot rip away caterpillar-ness. The whole trip occurs in an unfolding process of which we have no control.”
— Baba Ram Dass
I feel like I’ve been trying to get my story straight for most of my life. The questions that are so fervently asked by so many “What’s my purpose?” “why am I here?” My experience came to be that the answer was there all along and I just was not listening because it seemed like second nature to me. My purpose was simple: Love.
And so much of my life consisted of it. I came into a loving set of parents, with very loving families. I was adored as a little girl by my mother and father, and had loving siblings and friends growing up. The lack of love that would show up in my life would show up like a violent force of nature. It felt like a tornado that I would sometimes be in the center of, and sometimes, in the middle of the winds, getting my bones crushed by the force of it. Sometimes it was things that seemed to be exterior, like gaining too much weight and hating my body (and thus myself), getting fired from a job I had come to love, or breaking up with the person I had thought was my happy ending. Most of the time, however, there was pain that I could see was not coming from anything exterior. Getting to know that pain, traveling through it, expressing it, communicating with it, was what saved me from it. I understood that everything I had thought was a cause for pain had just been a reflection of the pain within me, manifesting.
The weight gain was due to me trying to feel like I had control of a situation, the job loss was due to me not really feeling in joy with working for someone else instead of fulfilling my dream, and the break up was due to a change that had happened within me and I was refusing to accept it. Those are just some examples I can give you that might make sense to you, because I suspect they’re things you may be familiar with. But in all that was the pain, I didn’t want to suffer. I wanted to continue to move forward.
And that was my purpose. Pain will happen, people who you love and cherish will disappoint you, and many times they will do it when you very much need them to not. Experiences end, people die, cycles close. We go on.
My intention and is to go on always, and to every time do it better. My purpose is to give you all the techniques that I’ve learned to do the same. So that you may even surpass me, and that I may continue to learn.
I do that through celebrating where you are right now, right this minute. Whatever job you have, if you’re single or in relationship, wherever your body is: there is plenty to love. There is plenty to move forward from. Let’s do it together. I’ll cheer you on.
All my love,
Maelle
Caterpillarness 