A Blood Prayer To The Full Moon

Lovers this has been a long-time coming. Some time ago, during a Blood Moon in 2016, I was feeling a really strong pull towards the Moon, as a lot of us I think were around that time. A pull to our roots, to our nature, to our ancestors, to our magic. Then, during a particularly strong moon, I got my period. I felt connected, completely. Blood, water, earth and air, ancestry and fire. They were all there. I sat down in front of my laptop, and wrote a prayer. I put it away. On another Full Moon I was pulled toward my prayer and I started drawing. And so on and so forth, for the past couple of years, when I bleed to the Full Moon, when She has called for me, I have replied by working on this prayer. I believe it is a spell in the making, a work of art to connect us to our bodies, to connect us to nature. It is a Bleeder’s prayer, but it is not only for bleeders. It is for the Bodies that miss Themselves. That feel disconnected. It is a call back home from the soil. Today, March 1st 2018, there is another Full Moon and I now offer this prayer to you, finally, to speak to you. It is not only about blood but about belief, identity, and our own godliness. I hope you find yourself somewhere in there. If you feel inspired by it, read below for a call to bleeder stories and art.

I wish the energy of the Full Moon may remind you of your humanity in any way that allows you to be compassionate with yourself and those around you tonight. Let us offer all our pain, all our sorrows, to the Esoil, that in this day and age is so filled with blood. Let us remember the Cycle, surrender to it, and in Faith, offer our healing to it as well. Let us cry for those that have died deaths in blood, and breathe in our own lives, with the knowing that they are free from the Earth’s troubles now.

A Blood Prayer to the Full Moon, but also to You, brother, sister, sibling, who remains alive in a bloody life.

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A Shunned Miracle, A Stolen Secret, A Raging Storm. Waters Fluctuate. I only speak to the ones that understand.

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My body prayed to the Full Moon and she prayed back in aches and groans…I mirrored the Moon and she mirrored back in Spells and Blood
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I am shedding a past that was also a future, it is all of time And it is everywhere, pouring out of me…Into the Earth, into its grave, into the soil, to feed, and give life

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perfect creatures

drowning in salt water

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FIN

(((Full Prayer BELOW)))

I heard a song about a girl named Lucy
Maybe that’s who’s listening now
Dear Lucy…

Listen,
I can feel the moon pulling at me
It’s willowing in the loins of the Earth,
under my belly.
It used to whisper “womanhood” now I’m not sure what it says
but I know it’s magic

Dear Lucy

I’m bleeding,

And it is a miracle that they tell me not to talk about.
“It is innapropriate” they say,
to speak about the blood
that connects me to the water
of creation itself
A Shunned Miracle,
A Stolen Secret,
A Raging Storm.
Waters Fluctuate.
I only speak to the ones that understand.

I was praying to the moon
and your name came up
with the twinkling of the stars
a myth
told only by moonlight
Of a girl

In the sky with diamonds

she too bleeds
she bleeds stardust
the ashes that create us

My body prayed to the full moon and she prayed back
in  aches and groans
I mirrored the moon
and she mirrored back
In spells and Blood

I am shedding a past that was also a future
it is all of time
and it is everywhere
Pouring out of me

And into the earth
Into its grave
into the soil
to feed and give life

And once a month my shadow whispers my  name

as I get on my knees
And howl to the moons
And it chants secrets to me in my dreams

The chanting

Of all those women
with the same stories
all of fire. earth. water. blood.

The stories we wrote about
the girls we fell in love with
and the boys who broke our hearts

the stories about the perfect creatures we wanted to be,
and the tragically imperfect beings we found we were.
Imperfect, but magical. Bleeding. Alive.

This is not for those that do not hear it
but for us who can’t ignore it.
This is not for those who face the ocean
thinking they would come out alive
but for those that surrendered to it,
drowning our fears and baptizing our selves with salt water
In the name of Life.

For those reborn once a month.
For those who believe in the magic. Our magic.

Were I to ever forget
the moon is there reminding,
the cycle demanding

a blood sacrifice monthly.
And i remain always
its loving servant

If you’re an artist and were inspired by this and wish to be a part of an exposition that features these type of vibes in 2019, write me at: maelle@colormaelle.com

Also, Looking for bleeder stories of ALL bodies, special invite to trans bodies and other-abled bodies.

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“And medicine for the people”

Hello my people,

I’ve been writing this post for various days. It’s very long, and I have a lot to say, so take your time reading it, it’s going to be content heavy, but it’s supposed to be, and there will be many more to come. It’s divided into parts for easier reading, and at the end you will find links to come and go back to.

Happy reading.

The silver  lining of chronic depression . 

The deep and intimate understanding of grief, as well as the paralyzing fear of feeling useless.

I was having panic attacks. My life has some serious stress triggers, but I was not handling it, I was having all types of panic attacks all the tipe. Despite nothing  happenning I told myself.

Except something was happening. The grenade I was afraid would explode despite everyone telling me it didn’t exist, not only did it exist, but it fucking blew up and EVERY ONE felt it.

Turns out it was humanity’s grenade and I was just feeling the aftershock of all the karma we had accumulated in accepting division.

And now here we are. Alive. Because cruelly, or beautifully, life goes on.

I’ve been seeing it. The beauty. People taking care of themselves, people loving.

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On my newsfeed, people showing love to my gay latino friend after losing his home state of Florida to Trump.
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Click on the picture to go to the article

 

We were grieving, we still are, but through it we are loving.

If you think people are over reacting, or don’t know that people are extremely scared, you are either not paying attention, not listening, not being empathetic, or you don’t care.  All of these possibilities make me incredibly sad, but the good news is, people that care outnumber those that don’t. We are made to believe we are a minority, because Fear works faster than Love. But the work that Love does, is solid. That is why despite everything that has been happening, we are still here.

 

Every single person in my life that’s talented, kind, ingenious, creative in any way or form, that gives goodness, shares knowledge, expresses their best out of any sense of compassion whether civic duty or natural calling, has been a part of what makes humanity worth living for . 

Because there have been wars, horrors, atrocious nightmares come reality, dictators of maximum oppression of uniqueness and humanity…yet there has also always, always also still been art, rebellion, expression of self and sexuality, the quest for happiness and pursuit of knowledge. Fierce friendship.

The Holocaust did not abolish the love that a mother has for her son. Slavery did not abolish friendship. The Great Depression did not abolish art.

Time and time again, we have actually persevered.

“The future is never gone, never hopeless. No one has ever lived in the best possible world. There has always been a fight to fight.” -Neil DeGrasse Tyson 8/Nov/16

However, that doesn’t mean that it’s OK for it to be this hard for more of us to have it, and ignoring our brothers and sisters because we don’t want to admit their pain, is inhumane, unspiritual, and unethical. We are One, we must heal as One. And we must All take active pursuit of it, however that may look to each and every one of our unique capabilities, understanding that we must share a minimum of discomfort. Courage can be a small voice, but added to many others, the roaring of who we are in undenyingly powerful, and that is why we have been kept divided for so long.Some people may wear a Safety Pin. Some people may choose not to.

Right now we are rightfully grieving as we must as a people. We are all hurting. All seems hopeless and much of what we feared may come true, if it hasn’t already. Many of us feel as if all faith in humanity is useless, and I deeply empathize with the notion.However our grief and anger must eventually become active plans and steps of love and compassion.

For now, I have been writing, writing, writing. (This blog entry has been written and drafted about 5 times, something I’ve never done, to make sure my thoughts are short but articulate, and that it is all assuming responsibility for what I must do while also supporting others in being active.) I have also been reading, reading, reading. Listening. Questioning my self. Re prioritizing my thoughts and reactions.

Do not look away. See what you are up against. It is scary. But once you get past through the fear, and take the binds off, you will see something else. That you are not alone. There is more support among the marginalized and oppressed than there are among the oppressors.

I have fallen out of grace before. With everything, with myself, with my God, with humanity. And in me falling out of grace with it all, I also learned something else. Humanity doesn’t stop existing because you stop believing in it. Neither did I. Neither did God.

We will be here. We will be here because we still thrive in making each other laugh, (which is why some people rely on memes and jokes) and we are still expressing ourselves freely, no matter what anyone is saying. And no matter how many of us die, we are still here as a people, whatever new way that looks like. We’ve not lost the beauty of what it means to be alive together. Even hate needs Love to exist.

A few weeks ago I asked what acceptance meant and I got no answers .I guess not too many knew. But to me, these past events finally allowed me to have a reference point I could express in words. Going with what you can control to continue to live and thrive. A survival mechanism, maybe.

So we must grieve. And I sit here, and hold space while we grieve together.

Then, I offer some next step actions, or options for coping, hopefully a bit of relief, help in accepting the situation, or maybe just some information so that we can all move forward in this together.

On forcing positivity on to others…

Forcing your views on people instead of listening is leaving them alone in their shit, and therefore unsupportive. It’s doing something to make yourself feel better, at the cost of the other.  Telling people they are wrong for their feelings, telling them they’re making you feel bad, that it’s negativity, is you actively choosing to not listen because it makes you uncomfortable to own up to what you are doing wrong. Peoples livelihoods are at steak and that’s a very real fear. A lot of people were aware and prepared but a lot of other people weren’t . We need to be compassionate of everyone who took a while to get to the field but we’re here and it’s now and it’s go time.

On “It’s not my job to teach you”

This one is not going to go well with too many people, but I do know there’s many of us that agree, so in case you’re one of those, I’m mentioning it here.

I learned about Racism in America, in my teens, because it was keeping me from getting close to people due to how we were programmed to interact with each other due to a broken system that people wanted to ignore because it made them uncomfortable or inconvenienced them. Growing up in Dominican Republic, I have a very mixed group of friends. We were all types of black, brown, and white, and mixed cultures. I went to a French school, so it might have been a particular setting, but as far as I remember Santo Domingo is pretty mixed. Touching each other through play and affection, our hair for example, or holding hands, being friends, was not weird or wrong because it was all in consent and curiosity for each other differences. (I got to touch hair that was different from my own when playing and braiding other children’s hair, which made me conserve my essential understanding that difference is normal, and to be celebrated and explored so that it can be better understood and respected.)

However in the United States, it was drilled into me that it was incredibly rude to touch someone else’s hair if they were black. I understood why, so naturally I stopped, but it became a wall of racism that I had not had before. I was forced to see my black friends as Other because the system of Oppression against them had made it so that we had to protect their bodies even more from people with my hair and skin color. However, I understood that. That it wasn’t “them” black people, but “them” that small percentage of humans that had seen the power of division and fear and had used it to rule, never seeing how it was damaging them, their children, their own future.

Some people, didn’t grow up understanding that. Because of lack of context, lack of exposure, lack of a lot of things that were actually very much not their fault, they grew up feeling divided from other cultures and races, not knowing how to transgress that line, and feeling like utter shit because of them. Feeling wrong. Feeling stupid. And surrendering to the division. A fantastic example of that, is this guy, and I really recommend you listen to him, because though he is dripping in self-pity, he raises a lot of amazing points. And while he does attack me and people like me, I do not take it as an attack. I take it as a desperate call for help. “I do not know how to learn, so I may say the wrong things, but I want to learn, please teach me”. And so many of us look away because they didn’t ‘say’ the right thing. And while I am fervent that people need to learn compassion, I think there is a sliver of validity in that trying to always be “PC” killed a lot of communication. Because so many people in wanting to learn were turned back aggressively. We contribute to division by doing that, no matter how valid our reason for doing that.

So while I will not tell or police someone to be more open if their anger does not allow them to, (I myself am in a situation where I am trying to not react angrily to ignorance, and I am not succeeding) I do think we should realize that not only do we need all the help we can get, but many people want to give it. My white friend recently told me she was advised against going to black rally for black lives matter because it wouldn’t go over well. So, sure, she can start a rally of her own, but instead of fighting alongside, we are doing it in division. It takes longer. It doesn’t seem real.

We do shame people for not knowing things, for not having grown up with the context, culture, and exposure we did. We close them off, tell them to go Google (how are you going to Google if you don’t know what you don’t know?) We’ve been creating very needed safe spaces for people to come and share with us our grieves and pains, but there were not nearly enough safe spaces to be stupid and make mistakes and learn how to deprogram yourself when you’ve pretty much been in a cult you’re entire life. Some people could do it, a lot couldn’t. They felt unheard. They voted.

Even dipped in white privilege and being out of the country, I am too multicultural to not feel intimately related to most of the world. America is my blood. The entire American continent, even the ones who come from those who colonized it, are my people. This problem is my problem and I wouldn’t have it any other way just like I wouldn’t leave my own sister out in the world like this. My privilege allows me fearless hope combined with my righteous anger and i plan to use everything I know how to do to benefit, provide, and help those who may need it most.I’m going to pay more attention to better understand politics despite it being like math to me. Corrupted Math. And I encourage you to do the same.And the very first step, is to listen. We have not been listening to the countries in war, we have not been listening to our people, we have not been listening our side of our bubble. We must be open to spreading knowledge, it is an ultimate weapon. If you don’t start listening now, that bubble will be popped. If you’re already listening, share what you are learning, share the knowledge you know, stomp the eggshells, shatter the bubble, speak your truth. We need to heal. And in order to do that, we’re going to have to shatter the stressed connections we had and be open to our culture, share it with people that are trying to learn, humanize what they are afraid of, show them what they have misunderstood.

On Self Love being revolutionary 

In Self Love lies the strength that you have to offer society, or your community or country, or family or people. In Self Love is the understanding of who you truly are and what you bring. In Self Love is the sturdy grounds you need to know that you are worthy and of use to others. In Self Love is the confidence to speak your truth.

Now is not the time to be shy about who you are. Now is not the time to be selfish, and the first true act of generosity is with yourself. Figure out what that means and use it. Stop hating your body. Stop using the word fat as an insult. Some of us have crippling anxiety and depression and are biopolar and etc. Some of us think we’re in too much physical pain or limited movements to make a difference. That makes it hard to self love and I get that. But actively pursue what will make you happy. Believe in yourself again, because we need you. Figure out your light. What is it you offer? What is it you give that makes people happy? What can you do that may help someone in need? What do you have that someone might not? Don’t be stingy with who you are. And when you see someone being shamelessly them, celebrate them, let them know it, support them.And support your support system. If you don’r have a support group, find one, if you don’t know how to find one, google who you think you are. Look on Facebook. If that doesn’t work, write me. Don’t know how YOU can different, personally? Write me.

If we cannot abolish it, let us not let it control us. Do not despair. 

If ever there was a time to exchange our cultures, and not put up a wall, and answer questions that maybe shouldn’t need to be asked but they are, now is that time. Knowledge is power. We can redefine, play with, and put a dent in how much racism is going to divide us. We can redefine lines that they have drawn for us. All for the sake of spreading information, and facilitating compassion, to things that are essential no matter what your revolutionary act looks like. That is the first step. We need informed people. Too many of us have been dozing and there have been so many that are awake. Listen to those that are woken. Hold YOURSELF accountable. We can no longer point fingers, rather, we must holds hands.Blaming is a waste of time. We have to make every day count now, and blaming is useless. Seeing the root of the problem, yes. Spending time talking about who fucked us, unless we move toward planning and strategizing, is simply distracting us from us holding ourselves accountable.

“It is the very nature of this fight for civil rights and justice and equality that whatever gains we make, they will not be permanent. So we must be vigilant. Do not despair. Do not be overwhelmed. Do not throw up our hands when it is time to roll up our sleeves and fight for who we are.” – Kamala Harris, the first indian-american and second black woman ever elected to senate.

On humanity

Life cycles through, we have wars, great depressions and unworthy villains, but we still thrive, persevere, laugh, share, succeed and love. No matter how meager 2016 might be,  I got to live during the Era of people like Prince and queen Beyonce.

That’s still progress. We have all been through worse and advanced greatly. We come from survivors, peace makers, brilliant minds, fierce activists, brilliant politicians and conscious people in power, and we did that despite everything we’ve been through in history.

It’s stolen land and built upon the blood of many heroes, we must respect the history and unite with the strength and wisdom our ancestors left in us. Prioritize as a people. If we do not have ideas and actions, let us spread and share the ideas and actions of others. Let us let people into our culture so that we humanize our cultures. Let us remove the character from the cliché by giving them no choice but to acknowledge our humanity. Dronald Frumph is not the only criminal leader. Let us listen to each other. They are big but we are bigger. We must re-evaluate how we’ve been relating to each other and adapt to the times. Humanity is sick and we have to change our game plan and understand the new reality.

Opening our eyes

I didn’t used to like to see or even share the bloody images. It seemed like gratuitous violence, which a lot of is, and it upset me too much to see it. But I read the stories. And now I’m reading more of it. And not only that, I’m no longer turning away from the horrors so as to not “ruin my day”. My day has been ruined, and it will remain ruined until there is a level of livable peace again. So I will open my eyes to others’ pain. I will acknowledge them. I will learn their names.

Suicides have already happened. People are already gone. To a lot of us it does feel like the world has ended. We’re still here for you, who is alive. It’s a huge change and it’s going to take time. But any and all progress is necessary. There are many ideas out there already. Movements, protests, people with money and access that are also waking up. 

Hope is hard, and fear is powerful.

Rebel against anything that causes separation between you and another person. Find the ways to at the least, listen and understand, and respect. Many of us did not listen. Many of us did not respect Dromal Flumph, treating him like nothing more than a joke, which while helpful for coping, is still dangerous. Not respecting the danger he posed and not listening to the rest of the people and remaining ignorant is on us. We know who we are.

Rearange social barriers . If we can’t diminish racism, let’s put a dent in what that means. If it’s going to be four years, let’s survive. Reform. But let us do everything for it to not come to that first. Open your eyes so that you see what you are up against. Open your eyes so that it doesn’t pull the rug from other you again. Open your eyes so that if ever you can do something else, you will know, you will be ready. Open your eyes because perhaps you are the Opressed, and your hate has blinded you too. This hate is not our own. It was created. Let us use our anger to also Listen. Racism has locked some white people into an image too, one that they do not know how to get out of either. In order to destroy racism, we must not let it rule our hearts. Our anger is warranted, yes, but so is our capacity to overthrow hate in the name of our personal freedom.

And if someone wants to be in the revolution, in this fight, then let us arm them with knowledge . Of perspective. Of understanding of our culture and humanity.

For the hopeful: Have hope, but do something. Are you saying “I hope…” or “let’s hope…” or “here’s hoping…”?  Have hope . But do something.

Here’s some things you can do. Feel free to add to this list in the comments section.

  1. Be weary of what you post – I am guilty of not doing this enough. But fact check before you post something. There is no need to spread hate if it’s not real, we can’t afford to spread more negativity that doesn’t even exist. But also fact check the good things, because people need real hope too. If you aren’t sure, and you don’t want to fact check, don’t share. If you’re called out, be gracious. If you see others posting false thing, graciously call them out. Be weary of your humor. Be sensitive to others. Listen.Call me out gently, I am listening. Call me out angrily, I am still listening, though it might take a second longer for me to get the message.
  2. Speak Up – What are you, afraid that someone might not like you for being controversial? If you’re “controversial” by talking about the reality of the situation and trying to spread love, you dont WANT or NEED those people to like you. Let them judge you and get the fuck out of your life. If they can’t support you in wanting this world to better for everyone, and you’re still afraid they’re not going to like, you need to re-evaluate how genuine your desire to help is. Are you actually doing anything, or just inciting others to do it? Don’t be friends with people that don’t improve you, challenge you, and deserve your goodness. They are rotting you and your life.
  3. Read, follow, and listen – to voices of color, the LGBT+ community, disabled people, WOMEN, latinxs, learn vocabulary you were maybe ignoring before, understand it. Inform yourself on what the OTHER SIDE has to say. I sometimes look for groups on Facebook that are followers of things I am battling against, just so that I can understand their point of view and how things are presented to them. I have realized that many people on “the other side” are just so intent with their refusal to see facts, they are unable to see facts when you present them to them.
  4. Choose your battles – I was recently in a discussion with a French family member about the situation in the USA, and when I tried to explain to him that the popular vote had gone to Hillary Clinton, he just flat out said “no.” His TV had been giving him “facts” and information that was erroneous, he felt heard and like someone represented him, he felt intelligent in having things to add to the conversation, my argument would completely destroy his entire bubble. So his response was simply “no”. So instead of getting angry with him, I realized I was not going to be able to do anything there. So I continue to read on things I CAN control and do. Maybe in my reading I will find a better response for next time. For now, I keep informing myself of better ways to be effective.
  5. Write. Draw. Speak. Build. Dance. Delegate. : This is where Self Love comes in. So long as you care, there will always be something you can do. Whatever your talent is, whatever your gift, whether it just be knowing how to listen to people, or make them laugh, cook for them, taking care of them, or go out and be active in your community, it is all good so long as you are always trying to do something. If you can’t think of something, keep reading my blogs, contact me, or google “what can I do to help (insert group youd like to help)?”. You first have to believe that something can be done. If you say that nothing can be done, not only are you wrong, but you’re choosing to remain blind so as to not assume responsibility. And lose any valid right to complain about what “they” are or aren’t doing. We are they. The longer it takes us to realize this the longer for things to get set back to where there is balance.
  6. Listen to marginalized voices: This one is so unbelievably important. This is by no means a comprehensive list but it is ones that I follow and like, and maybe they will lead you to other voices that you will follow and like. Either way, starting somewhere is incredibly important.
    Priscilla Dorcas Mojica Rodriguez is founder of Latina Rebels, writes at the Huffington Post, Vivala, Philadelphia Printworks, and probably a million other places. She is also a speaker, and a personal favorite of mine in general.
    Franchesca Leigh is a Youtube Star turned comedian, social activist and now appears on MTV’s Decoded and The Nightly Show.
    Luvvie Ajayi just wrote a book that went to instant best seller about how to do better. Besides being a writer and blogger, she’s also a comedian in her right, totally brilliant way of slicing through and getting the message across in a way that’s going to make you laugh even if it means checking yourself. Actually, she does so many other things I got lost trying to link you to it all. You can follow her facebook here.
    Evvelyn from the Internet is a YouTube Star that vlogs about her every day, except she’s hilarious and her way of expressing herself is so funny, she can talk to you about the world ending and you will feel somehow hopeful and calm afterward.
  7. Self Care is essential. We need you: Are you balancing out what you’re taking in? Before, it was as if we cast aside the need to take care of ourselves because we couldn’t afford to take time for ourselves. Now, it’s gotten so bad, we can’t afford to not take care of ourselves. Disconnect from the computer, from social media, watch videos that help you relax, or that help you sort out your emotions. Stop listening to the sad songs, or at least make sure you are listening to more empowering music. Draw bubble baths, do martial arts, go jogging, play chess, read, play mindless games on your phone. Whatever it takes to help you get restored. This following video was a video that helped me deal with my emotions after the elections.

I’ve also been watching a lot of TV shows that have got me pumped up and ready to deal with all of this. The Walking Dead has helped my emotions sort of balance out my having things play out on the TV that I can’t control but still give me hope. In a way, Rick and Michonne and the rest of the cast is part of my support group. Which leads me to the final point that I’d like to make:

8. Invest in a support group: They are hard to find and hard to build. People that not very good at relationships might have a hard time establishing a support group because of their belief that they are not good enough. This is also why Self Love is so essential. Believe that you deserve a support group. Very often people want to care for you, but due to our low levels of self esteem or ultimate grumpiness, we push people away. Right now is the time to check yourself, to love yourself, to let yourself be loved. If you already have a support group, make sure that it is not one big pool of bobbleheads. The point of a support group should be in supporting you to be your best self, and that doesnt come from always telling you what you want to hear and never challenging you. Gentle call outs and the ability to love you despite disagreements and faults is an essential part of any relationship. Support groups are no different. Get yourself a support group that helps you grow, not stagnates you by agreeing to everything you say without causing you to question anything ever.

That would conclude, for now, this lengthy blog post. However I have much more to say, and I know you do too because of all the conversations we’ve been having. Over the next few days and weeks I will be trying to sort out my thoughts in blog form and respond to articles and things I read. Feel free to start a conversation with me, to kindly disagree with me, to provide valid sources for any information you would like to share, and to share your stories with me. I’m listening. I care. I will give you a platform to be heard as well, if that is what you need. I leave you with a beautiful video by Nahko and Medicine for the People, and more articles to read that about “what you can do”.

In love and power,

Maëlle

  1. How to easily be a white ally to marginalized communities by Christopher Keelty
  2. Organizing for Action, a movement with Obama’s name on it.
  3. Electoral College Can Stop Unfit Trump written by David Halperin
  4. We have to create a culture that won’t vote for Trump

Saving myself for the sake of everyone else

Last month I started to unfollow a lot of the pages I followed on Facebook that were feminist, latinx activists, or other similar ones.

At first it started off as a need to take care of myself, I could no longer wake up and see how shitty the world was every single day. I had gotten to the point where I didn’t understand the point of getting up every morning anymore. I had to battle my own inner demons, and on top of that live in a completely botched society with no way out? No wonder depression is so prominent among today’s society. So I stopped trying to save the world, and I decided to save myself. And that’s been what I’ve been trying to do for the past few months.

I don’t have the resolve and will that others have to be such passionate activists, as the second I am met with someone who just innately does not understand how what they are saying or doing is desperately lacking in compassion, understanding, and emotional intelligence, I get carried away with emotion and then become a complete cliché, and then my views are just ignored or not listened to.

Because not only am I a WOMAN, but a truly extremely sensitive one at that. So you know, my opinion is completely not taken seriously. Mix that in with some childhood trauma of being consistently told to shut up or quiet down whenever I showed a surplus of ANY emotion (laughing too loud is unladylike, crying all the time is annoying, being angry makes me undesirable to men. Since, you know, my value is determined by how much a man desires me), being an “active” feminist was making the world an unbearable place for me.

But eventually, it became about much more than that. I felt like I had to choose between one thing. Like, I could be someone that was into civil rights because that covered a lot of good ground, like not only feminism but black lives as well as the rights of other people of color, LGBT+ lives, etc, but then there are so many other people, other subcultures, other groups around the WORLD that also needed addressing. So many other problems, that were equally important. Other wars, other corrupt governments, corrupt information, corrupt media, just corruption in general. And it was getting so niche-y as well. There was feminism, then latix feminism, then brown girl latinx feminism….With so many words and vocabulary that completely separated everyone between them and us.

Articles that were titled things like “why feminism matters” or “how to check your white privilege” or “cultural appropriation something or other” became enormous circle jerks. Because by using words that only affects those of us who know what they mean, the rest of the people, you know, the people that need to LEARN, are rolling their eyes and ignoring it, OR simply ignoring it the way that you do when someone posts something about a disease that has never affected you or anyone you know and therefore you don’t think it’s relevant to you and therefore not something worth listening to.

But it’s all relevant to everyone.

People (including so many of my respected friends) became intelligence elitist, saying things like ‘if you don’t get this you can go die/unfriend me now’ which doesn’t allow for a conversation at all, or compassion, or to educate. It implies that someone that maybe hasn’t had the opportunity to be exposed to better information, to better education, to a better example, doesn’t deserve to learn because they should die instead of just shut up and continue their lives without being this person’s friend. I understand that it is a privilege of mine to have traveled and seen the many contexts that people live or don’t live, but I don’t understand how someone could want others to learn compassion without being compassionate themselves.

And that was another issue. The whole narrative of “it isn’t my job to educate you” is so stagnant and counterproductive.

I understand the not wanting to perform,  or to be the spokesperson for an entire culture, or to be expected to put your own personal comfort aside for the sake of someone else. I have been put in that role where it’s like ‘speak for all latinx women’ and to “perform” my culture for someone. Most of the time, it’s in a celebrated way and I WANT to share and inform, because that to me is key to removing that barrier of prejudice and ignorance and thus hatred. However, I have also been in a situation where I felt like I was seen as some kind of circus monkey, “be latina! be hot and spicy and make me food all for my entertainment” and that is definitely not cool for me to live through, but then that person remains ignorant and maybe a prejudice will either be created or continued.

So many times I would see comments of well meaning people trying to learn, being replied to with the most aggressive behavior of “just fucking google it”. You cant google something you don’t already understand or know. You cant google a living breathing movement that changes with the times, that has living language like ‘being woke’ or ‘cis gendered’ and that is being led by people that known and have known because they have lived and breathed this and so have their parents and grandparents. You can’t google something you don’t know that you don’t know because your entire life school and your parents and society filled your information and hid other. If you’re starting from zero because you have decided to go apart from the norm and from your education, and then you are met with ‘go google it’, not only is it discouraging, it continues to perpetuate the idea of us vs them. Separatism. It can also make people feel helpless and thus angry. It doesn’t perpetuate compassion or learning. It doesn’t perpetuate equality. It doesn’t perpetuate empowerment.

Which brings me to my next point. So much, so so so so so much, of the articles, posts, memes, or whatever, that I read where a group wants fairness from another group, there are two prevailing voices. One, “they owe us”, and “I am perpetually a victim.”

And I got to tell you, I am sick and fucking tired of modern “feminists” telling me I am a victim. By victimizing themselves. By constantly and perpetually saying we are the victims. We are the victims.

I am NOT a victim. Society has perhaps victimized me, but I am NOT a victim. I want feminism to EMPOWER me, to EMPOWER girls, women, men, everyone.

And…for the most part, right now, it doesn’t. It saddens me. One feminist page shares another rapist, another murder, another humiliation. ANother reason to be angry. Another thing that is us vs them. Not another success, not another great fantastic woman, not another reason to not let that shit get you down, but rather “yes keep believing that you are a victim, yes most men are garbage, yes masculinity is toxic, yes be afraid to go into a unisex bathroom now”

It makes me wake up to an unbearable reality. A reality, I have learned, that is NOT then only one.

It makes me feel like I am separate from men in a not good way, it makes me see them under a different light that is so frustrating. And when you’re looking for the color green, you’ll see it everywhere. So if you’re perpetuating hearing how horrible things are for you, then you only see that. I also refuse to play the part of an oppressor and have a movement tell a black person their my victim just because I’m white. I don’t want other people to feel like my victim or not empowered either. I don’t want them to see me and see separateness because of the color of my skin or what’s between my legs or something arbitrary like that. I want them, instead, to be able to judge for themselves if my personhood will allow them to grow, and how we together can do that for each other and the world, instead of running down a list of things of why we should treat each other differently. Because it was feminism put a lot of blinders of me by saying A equals 5 and there are not other ways around it. It puts blinders on you, because you’re a feminist and as one you must believe certain things and if you don’t then it’s just internalized misogyny instead of maybe an understanding, compassion, or open-mindedness for other subtleties.

I will still call myself a feminist if it is necessary, but I find the term limiting and extremely misunderstood.  Feminism has gotten to be too much about women and not enough about femininity in general, perpetuating a separatist and sexist mentality. Whenever I see things like “Masculinity so Fragile” after a hashtag it hurts me to my core because it seems like such an important thing to be ignorant about. Women are masculine too. Straight women, gay women, transgender women, all can be very masculine in their way of being or physique. Masculine traits in a person are what allow people to be actively protective, for example, more of a “do-er”, logical, a certain strength..while our feminine traits are more like emotional intelligence, nurturing, sensuality. The embracing of both masculinity and femininity in every person allows for us ALL to be more whole, healthy people that can express themselves fully and lead a more fulfilling life. And I am so frustrated that this isn’t the major conversation being had. I am so frustrated of how limiting the movement can be when put in the mouths of certain people.

When feminism is just about women, it is a great and necessary conversation to have, but I believe it is an incomplete one. And while many people say “feminism is important to men too”, that in itself is saying that feminism is about women at a base. And it shouldn’t be. Because if we were to as a society, respect things like intuition, sensitivity, tenderness, etc, then the conversation would naturally be about EVERYONE. And that’s the thing about those websites and those movements. They are extremely important, and valuable, and I am forever in the debt of the latinxs and women before me for the freedom and rights I have today.

I just wish the conversation was more about compassion, was a little big bigger. I wish people weren’t so quick to be “this is a feminist issue” and then ignore all the other conversations that need to be had. American Feminists themselves admit that the movement could be more all inclusive, since many times women of color or transgendered women arent included in the mix. But I feel like a lot of gay men direly need feminism as well, and should be a natural part of the conversation, for example. Or straight men that are very sensitive and undervalued because of their FEMININE traits.

………..

In the end, these are all just the opinions of some grain of sand pixel that won’t mean anything in a blog that no one reads. However I believe that the best way I can help is by being compassionate of whoever is in front of me at any given moment. Reading articles online, doesnt help. Being informed does, sharing information does, but if it’s just another article about another guy that raped another girl, another angry letter to all like minded people hating on all those that don’t agree with every point, another diagram of how i should feel victimized and oppressed, then I’m done.

It is not a role that I can fulfill adequately, that of caring so immensely for so many things at the same time, only to be met with an onslaught of hatred, victimization, and close mindedness. I am useless when I am trying to keep up with all the things I should be pissed off about. I don’t want to pick the one that just affects me, I want to care about muslim lives too, autistic lives, people with a kind of cancer that always get ignored, I don’t know just everyone. And selecting a movement blind sides me to other issues. So I leave the facebook activism and active activism to those perhaps with a stronger sense of self, that can stand their ground, and that have a relevant way to continue to change things. My power will be love, my weapon will be compassion, my target audience will be EVERYONE. World peace is my movement.

All that being said, do you know why I started writing this to begin with?

Because I know what I want to do for myself, and for the world, and I can see the problems in my beloved feminism and other civil right movements, but by no means am I not unbelievably grateful to all those activists that are out there putting words to the things I have lived, and putting their bodies and personhood at risk for the wellbeing of others like them or like myself. Because when someone posts a joke about how “lol women are crazy” I can go to a group of feminists and they will understand how hurtful it is, how I continuously have had to remind myself that what I have to say is important, even if people think that women should not be listened to and I am one, even if they think that all women are crazy and I am one, and especially if they think that crazy women shouldnt be listened to because I AM ONE. I am crazy. I am a woman.

But it is also because of my strength as a MUJER PODEROSA DIOSA GUERRERA that I have been able to find my voice and value it, and find those who also value me. It is thanks to feminism, that is sick and tired of us not being seen for our splendor, those feminists friends, that have LISTENED to me, that I have been able to process so many things.

So if there’s anyone out there reading this that has gotten this far, here’s what I leave for both us. This entire thing is just about this: listen. Let us listen, let us be compassionate, let us be kind, and let us try to understand each other as much as possible. Let us try to help each other evolve. Let us love EVERYONE, so that at least while we are alive, we are part of peace and compassion movement.

And so it is.

All my love,

M.

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The Empress, from Tarot, symbolism of femininity . Painted by me.

To see more of my art go to: instagram.com/colormaelle