Before, now, then

I.
“You should have said something sooner”
I said to him
seeing in his eyes
all the men
that had failed to speak from their heart
whether we didn’t teach them
or they didn’t learn
seems irrelevant now
as we are both hurting
my eyes wet with all the women
that were told to hold down their heart down their throat
alone
and who fought to be heard
who protected their heart
through pride
through anger
through denial
through pretension
How pretentious I had been
How necessary it had been
Before

II.
Maybe had he said something sooner
it would not have been heard
maybe if he didn’t say anything sooner
is because we weren’t listening
How much can we blame
our pain on others
when we are always
just
as
complicit
if not
more
How much was I to blame as well?
Before

III.
This is when forgiveness chimes in
This is when compassion whispers
This is when wisdom hums
This is when experience smiles
This is when I realize that
blaming
is a waste of time
that I could be
efficiently hurting
to efficiently heal
blaming
is just a repetitive lie
that I have no power
over how you make me feel now
Before
maybe I was your prisoner
but now
right now
I am un-fuckable-with.

IV.
How many lies
that my mother told me
were told to her?
how many times
did our fathers’ mistakes
pour down our hearts
as we made promises
we didn’t understand how to keep
how many mistakes
did our parents forgive themselves for
while we point fingers and say “still”
“don’t hurt” we say
while we bleed on their carpet

How many weak men, brave women, lost souls
how much more lying
until you look at yourself
and realize
your biggest truth
would never have existed
had it not been for the lies
and your biggest bravery
not happened
had it not been for the biggest weaknesses
how many more turns around the sun
before we realize
we owe our victories
to their mistakes
how many more
turns
until we see that through our mistakes
we are still their biggest victories
until we see the echoes of our
infant cries
nested in the wrinkles of their hands
our color of brown
in their eyes
their prayers of protection
keeping us bold
while we defy them
how many more turns of the sun
until we see the us in them
and forgive ourselves
and forgive them

until we see them in us
and forgive ourselves
and forgive them

-“things i write to myself in my sleep”

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Au revoir mon amour, et merci.

Maybe everyone does this.

Whenever I go somewhere new I trace the streets
looking for traces of familiar ground
tracing, tracing.
I thought maybe
it’s because I’m a traveler
and we trace pathways
Like a map of our lives,
we trace our fingers and eyes
on the canvas of the streets
and the skins of people
writing our story
looking for home
or
maybe running away from it
Though aren’t both things
just the same?

II.

When I saw you for the first time
you looked brand new
unfamiliar
like a song I’d never heard before
but also one that would be easy to forget
every time I looked at you
it was like the first time like
I never got quite used to seeing your face
even if it looked so good
next to mine
it never looked like     it really            belonged                there anyway
How funny it is to me now
how mad I got
when you forgot the song as well
how arrogant I was
and infantile

III.
We said it all along
we knew it all along
We bet against ourselves
we weren’t surprised when it ended
I wasn’t shocked when it was over.
The guillotining of my heart
was perhaps cold and sudden
but a sick heart
is sometimes best
when
replaced

IV.

I traced your face so many times
over and over
not wanting to forget
trying to memorize you
trying to map you
so that I could always
close my eyes
and still see your beautiful face.

Thank God I failed.

An open letter to my hurt, from my love

Dear loved one,

Not everyone is for you, and you are not for everyone.
Not everyone will understand you.
People will judge you unfairly, just as you will probably judge others unfairly as well.

Be kind to yourself, anyway. Stick to your truth anyway. Love others anyway.

Everything that is going to happen, is going to happen anyway. You will survive it, as you have. Life goes on, as it does.

You will make mistakes, but you will also prevail. Do not focus on the losses, but on the improvements. Do not focus on the pain, but on how you’ve prevailed. Do not focus on suffering, when there is so much pleasure to be had.

Love those that love and accept you. Accept those that don’t. Everyone is simply showing you what you are and what you are not. Live your reality as best you see fit.

Trust yourself, because you are the only one that Knows. Accept your errors, you are doing the best you can.

Forgive others, they too are doing their best. What they don’t understand about you, they do not see within themselves. Love them through it.

Maybe from afar. Maybe very distantly. But love them, so that you may love that part within yourself as well.

~M

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