Being beautiful was always important as I grew up. We can blame it on social, cultural, and religious construct but it was there, implanted in my head by the Patriarchy Capitalist reality I live(d) in. I was told that I was beautiful, taught to value it, to praise it, to build upon it my empire as woman. The more it became a responsibility the more I feared it while praising it. Envying natural beauty just as much as skilled make up.
I resented beauty. It felt like the rent I had to pay to be of minimum value. And it had an expiration date as society places even lesser value on old women.
I resented it and rebelled it. I cut my hair and resented being reminded that others were free to judge me out loud if they praised me or didn’t. It was a social norm to prey on my insecurities.
Whenever I felt beautiful it scared me. I felt afraid to lose it, and guilty. But then I saw how incompletely I was seeing it.
I may have been truing to deny myself of my relationship with art, but it found me. It poured through my veins when I painted my woes in deep colors and forts emotions. It laid in front of me as someone confided their secrets, entrusted me with their vulnerabilities, it rested next to me on the beach glistening in the sun, it showed on my cheeks when someone kissed me and meant it, it showed off in October, undeniably, again and again in the leaves of trees….there was no trying to define or reject wild beauty, it was there redefining itself. It was in me not because of my hair, or make-up, or clothes. It was in me because I embraced Beauty as an act of nature, outside of myself. I was a manifestation of life and thus beautiful. I am beautiful as you are beautiful. I am no more beautiful than you, nor any less, but I am beautiful.
I have explored how I define myself in romantic relationships and have explored my role in regards to beauty and attraction and attractiveness to my prospective partner. I have also explored what makes others attractive to me since beauty has become much more complex than just good facial structure and pretty eyes. It’s a personality trait and how we carry ourselves, but also how we value life and what we do with it. How much do we love others? How do we show it?
And maybe some charm and pretty eyes don’t hurt, sure.
I have felt my most gorgeous when I am living my best truth. When I feel my most free and confident.
I would want the same for others.
May everyone know their gorgeousness, and be their own unique brand of weird. May everyone date someone just as beautiful as they.