I suspect that I come off holier-than-thou and condescending all the time. I suspect this because of the way that people have responded to me and how they’ve spoken about me.
I think it is stark obvious that I am trying to do good, and that I lead with my heart, but we all have insecurities that dominate our narrative some times, and I want to create a space for that so that I can create a more compassionate impact for all of us. I have a very hard time with a certain group of human beings (*cough cough*
white cis dudes *cough cough*) but I also love pretty much everyone I truly know, and it’s hard for me to hold grudges. I don’t want to foment resent within me, I don’t want to project self-loathing and dehumanize anyone. I do not think I am better than anyone, and if when I respond defensively it is most likely for the same reason others do…because I feel unseen.
This blog has sort of just been sitting here without doing much of anything except for being a place where I could come empty out my thoughts that I knew no one in particular would read. I’d like to keep it a more specific aim. A long time ago I started to read Baba Ram Dass’s book Be Here Now (and was never able to finish it, as I lost my copy somewhere along my many moves) and found myself with tears in my eyes re-reading quotes from that book when I was in my 20’s. The one quote that stood out to me the most and stayed with me was from the following passage,
We’re talking about a metamorphosis. We’re talking about going from a caterpillar to butterfly we’re talking about how to become a butterfly. I mean: the caterpillar isn’t walking around saying: MAN i’ll soon be a butterfly because; as long as he’s busy being a caterpillar he CAN”T be a butterfly. It’s only when caterpillarness is done that one starts to be a butterfly and that again is part of this paradox. you cannot RIP AWAY caterpillarness. – Baba Ram Dass
This blog was supposed to be about my own human condition, my own metamorphosis. And it has been. However, I want to be more intentional, more present, and more conscientious with my writing. I want to “reveal my belly”, as it were. Show you my Achilles heel. Not preach to you or imply that I know best, but show you the ways in which I am accepting my own Caterpillarness, and not striving to be a butterfly. Hopefully, you will find that by doing this, I am extending my hand out to you and saying “Hey. Let’s be in it together.” And we can learn from each other, as we unfold, and are humans together. All it takes is for you to read me. For you to hear me. For you to say, “yes I read it” or “yes I see what you are saying” for me to feel that little bit of tenderness that I so deeply yearn for. I am showing you my soft spot, because I want to be real for you. Let’s be real together.
See you soon,