Cuando te dejan

“You have to understand”
they tell me
Not realizing that I’m going through something similar
if not worse

my reality has always been doubted
looked upon like maybe
i’m exaggerating
“just think positive thoughts”
they would tell me
“you have the power”

And now these same people
finding that it is not
that easy to think positive thoughts
that some things
are in fact
worth mourning
are telling me I don’t understand
that pain is theirs to claim
like I have not been intimate friends with it
for as long as I can remember
like I haven’t learned to carry
wars that aren’t mine
foreign struggles
mysterious torments
endless suffering
stubborn melancholy
Like I haven’t learned to live
in hell itself.
Like I’m just a little girl,
and not the many women
that cry inside of me as well.
Like I have no wisdom to offer
on what it feels like to hurt
and not have anyone but yourself
to blame.

Tell me what hurts more
Ending your own life,
Or giving birth to yourself
over and over again?

Tell me what hurts more
Dying at the hands of others
Or choosing not to live by your own free will?

Tell me what hurts more
someone leaving you for their freedom
Or someone leaving you for their pain?

I’ve been taught to not compare the pain
That compassion has no judgment
There is no better or worse
simply context
and our will to deal

I’ve been told to understand
But I do.
And that’s what I’ve been trying to say.
I do understand.

But understanding doesn’t make it hurt less.
Understanding doesn’t make them stay.
Understanding doesn’t mean strength.

All understanding does is show you
they can’t abandon you
if they were never there
to begin with.
All understanding does is show you
there’s only ever you
taking yourself out of here
over and over again
And all the people that love you
waiting on you the other side saying
“welcome back. we missed you”
All understanding does is show you
that the most painful abandon
is when you leave yourself.