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The past 3 days of my life have been like a Spice Girls song. In which all I can think about is what I want,  what I really really want. 

Anxiety makes me think about the microscopic reasons of human suffering, which also further my anxieties. Absolutely hilrarious cycle. 

But how can you live on this Earth and be a part of humanity and not be a minimum amount of stressed out? It’s gotten to the point where, if you’re paying even remotely attention, then there’s no possible way to be not anxious. 

But learning to realistically look at situations with healthy doses of skepticism, wonder, and awareness heeds the lesson of how to accept anxiety. 

Which is a really cute thing to write. Not so cute to do. 

And the question was asked so many times. “What do you want?” And i wrote about it over and over again. And in all of that, in listening to the many voices while also listening to the silence, I heard the word. Of what it was I wanted. A simple word that doesn’t seem to have a million strands and threads and strings and cables and wifi waves. What I want, what I really really want, is what we all want. 

Connection. 

My mental GPS feels even more out of whack than usual. 

For me it’s about connection with self and connection with others and a healthy dose of both. 

I am a fan of every single way of connecting and detachment doesn’t hurt as much when you still feel connected. 

Maybe some of us just have more cables than others, or maybe something else. What I know is that right now, I feel like a loose canon. 

Take that as you will, but loose canons are connected to nothing. 

Malta January 2017

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