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The past 3 days of my life have been like a Spice Girls song. In which all I can think about is what I want,  what I really really want. 

Anxiety makes me think about the microscopic reasons of human suffering, which also further my anxieties. Absolutely hilrarious cycle. 

But how can you live on this Earth and be a part of humanity and not be a minimum amount of stressed out? It’s gotten to the point where, if you’re paying even remotely attention, then there’s no possible way to be not anxious. 

But learning to realistically look at situations with healthy doses of skepticism, wonder, and awareness heeds the lesson of how to accept anxiety. 

Which is a really cute thing to write. Not so cute to do. 

And the question was asked so many times. “What do you want?” And i wrote about it over and over again. And in all of that, in listening to the many voices while also listening to the silence, I heard the word. Of what it was I wanted. A simple word that doesn’t seem to have a million strands and threads and strings and cables and wifi waves. What I want, what I really really want, is what we all want. 

Connection. 

My mental GPS feels even more out of whack than usual. 

For me it’s about connection with self and connection with others and a healthy dose of both. 

I am a fan of every single way of connecting and detachment doesn’t hurt as much when you still feel connected. 

Maybe some of us just have more cables than others, or maybe something else. What I know is that right now, I feel like a loose canon. 

Take that as you will, but loose canons are connected to nothing. 

Malta January 2017

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Judgement day

I think judging people is so natural and and an important part of how we communicate, express, bond, and care for ourselves. I think we just don’t use it in a way that’s always benefitial to us. Mostly, we do it to divide ourselves and look down on others to pretend we’re better which of course no one is, really because the only true reality is based on perspective and that means your crapshoot opinion is just as valid as my crapshoot opinion in this joined game of civilization. 

I judge myself much too muchly. I judge my mother the same amount. I don’t work enough on my compassion and trust close to myself, though I gift it to others quite freely.

I think the greatest wisdom is listening to others and I’ve become better but I’d like to improve on that too. 

Being in a capsule with strangers and your family where you’re pretty much together 24/7 is weird. Not just anybody can do that, and given who I am and who my family is I’m particularly proud of us, of myself, of my brother. I have some really good feedback that naturally occurred through my exchange of how I’d like to improve in my life with who I am in reflection to others. Through efficient judging. 

The cruise journey is coming to an end. By now, I have come to understand that life itself is constant transformation. Does everyone feel that way? I don’t know. But for me it’s the case. I am always going througb some kind of transformative experience always. It’s an intense experience but sometimes i feel like I may be catching up. 

There are moments where it all feels bright and alright.

And on this last night of this cruise trip,  as I reflect back on every delectable favorite detail spent with my family, and vibrate with pleasure at the sound of the ocean and the feel of the ship soaring through the waves, with plant wisdom, it feels pretty bright, and pretty alright.

Sicily January 2017