I have probably learned the lesson as many times as I have broken up with someone. Each time I learn it better.
You forget, in between. You forget because when you’ve been taught the value of reject, you find it everywhere.
You get grounded for getting it wrong. You pass or fail school. You don’t look pretty enough like that so change it. You’ve got the “good” or “bad” hair, skin, race, everything. You laugh too loud and love too hard and curse too much and like sex too much and your eyebrows are nowhere near on fleek. You talk too much or not enough. It becomes more nuanced. What you talk about. Who you talk to. How you eat. What razor you use. The skin under your arms. The amount of hair you have. Every detail of what you put out and every detail you perceive becomes a game to hit the right notes to get rejected in the right way. It creeps into your mental glossary of things you judge others for because no matter how much you try to grow and learn, we’re all guilty of rejecting others somehow.
It isn’t bad or right or anything, it just is.
My comfort zone has been eviscerated. I realized we are not all able to pull force from the same sources. I gain strength in having the emotional knowledge to get myself out of situations, thrive, make space for others, communicate, express, seek, translate, grow, learn, and always be better. My version of winning at life. Providing a physical space for myself doesn’t seem to be one of my strengths. When I do find that sweet holy space of shelter and home, I remember. I can see myself better and more easily. I am not less afraid I gave just gone through the fear. Bravery is not always armor, shield and weapon. Bravery is sometimes the gentle yet unflinching confidence of the voice that will not be silenced, even if it must whisper for you to hear it better. And in the right balance of rejection and shelter, there is that familiar whisper of a lesson.
The lesson that self fulfillment is always accessible to you so long as you’re actively seeking it. That’s under your control. Who you are, and have always been, has not been based on how others have rejected you, but on how you have essentially rejected yourself. To be fulfilled, is not for others to stop..it’s for us. Such an obvious lesson that everyone nods because their brains all know it. But the heart doesn’t feel it..and it is only when what we think and what we feel agree that we believe something to be true.
And so the sleeping dragon, who was dosing in that deep cavern of self doubt and reliance on others for validation, opens her eye when that beam of sunlight bursts through and spills on her face.
Like she was waiting for it.
Like she knew it was coming.