I was looking at the wall.
I was looking at the wall but I was seeing so much more than just that wall.
I’ve been replaying the last two years of my life over and over again like in the middle of a a car crash, in a flash, my life replaying before my eyes in a series of disasters and miracles.
In the last two years. All the people I’ve met and unraveled with. All the changes in scenery. Running away from and coming to terms with old stories that turn into new stories.
The color of the wall was an important part of what I was seeing, though I don’t remember it. That’s ok, not all important things need to be remembered. Some are just meant to be felt. They add to the now, once upon a time.
And the wall is maybe off white. And there’s a window pane that’s maybe off maroon.
And suddenly it’s all very french country of how I dreamt of what my life would look like “when I’d have no worries” as if maybe that was a possible life not realizing there’s always something to worry about even if it’s that you screwed up the soufflé. It’s the human condition and I am dissapointigly human.
And I am currently being a human in a crooked little house, sure, but it’s spread eagle in the middle of a tiny neighborhood surrounded by vineyards that are constantly painted in gold sun rays and how that is one of my favorite views in the whole world.
And there’s a blue bicycle thrown on the lavender bush, you’d think forgotten except her owner knows exactly where she is.
The weather is perfect and there’s not a mosquito in sight. It’s dusky and you just got back from a fantastic trip and you’re drunk from a conversation you just had that has you buzzing in the pleasure of exquisite exchange.
And the trees whisper and the wind insists and all of the universe in unison
The time is now
The love you’ve been seeking for is here
It’s right here
The love you wanted is here
And you realize that things happen despite of you. Which is drastic and tragic and all the righteously sad words, but also miraculous and painfully clever of the universe.
And you’ve worked so hard for this miracle.
And you’ve waited long enough to feel like you deserve it. Because we forget, don’t we? That we were deserving all along.
The whole scene is important now. The window the wall the door the bicycle the table the chair the stick Im taking a drag from the ground and all the birds.
I’m everywhere before and then I’m now. Right now.
And now he’s standing in front of me kissing me goodbye because he’s off to work and his eyes are pools of love. I see my life. I really see it. How blessed are we.
The light in me goes on. It’s been off.
The familiar glow of the warm blue might. Oh. It’s you again.
That’s why I’m here. That’s why I’ve been here. Because to me, blue is the color of trust.
I grin stupidly. I look at the date and my grin becomes even bigger and dumber. We’re gushing in cuteness and vulnerability and we’re both blushing. “Happy 6 months” I say. I’m going to vomit, we’re so adorable.
There’s a blue bike in the middle of everything. Thrown there, not even carefully placed. But it’s exactly what I’m looking at, and exactly what I needed to see.
The trick now, is to remember.