Pulling threads

macy chadwick
Macy Chadwick

 

I have been in a little bit of shock in the past few weeks.

There have been so many things that have happened…like always, I suppose. Life is always happening, even when we don’t want it to.

I saw someone unravel in such a clear way…it was like fabric that was being unthreaded and then re-threaded and made into new and different patterns. Through conversations and music and songs and problems and issues and issue-resolving I have seem not just one someone, but a few someones. Like dissecting the inside of their soul through their eyes and words.

The human personality…is so fascinating. And when and how we choose to expose our vulnerability, is so telling. It’s where true communication happens, I feel.

I had moments where I allowed myself to unravel in front of other people and I see them sometimes recoil.

“This is too much”. I feel it.

I establish our closeness based on the boundaries that are mutually set, and there’s a wall that sometimes people put up that I choose to respect.

My mindset is a bit intense, a bit prodding, my way of befriending people a bit pulling, because I need to communicate and experience people like the human body needs food and water.

I’ve discovered this about myself in opening up to others and seeing their response. Communicating truthfully, from the heart, the only real thing that cannot be trusted, to prepare us for a world where everything is deceit.

Then lately, I have been witnessing people in such a different light. Such a splendor. Unravel in ways in which normally in the past I would’ve closed of, no longer trusted. Instead, learning to communicate with different aspects of people, and therefore myself. Allowing people to be a little crazy since I myself am a little crazy. Understanding that sometimes people lie. Understanding that sometimes people need to hide. Protect themselves. It’s all OK, it’s all beautiful.

I’ve been giving into my crazy ideas lately. In the post about faith and trust, that was just a tiny introduction to the chapters in my head that conclude that I can and will live my life the way that makes sense and that I can be happy doing it, no matter how strange. Freeing!!! FREEING!

But the people that I’ve been speaking to lately, and the mindsets that I’ve allowed myself are leading up to conclusions that are blowing my own mind open. I’ve been coming to this point in my life where I am allowing myself to be who I want to be because I can finally trust that this is a good thing. I was so intense about questioning everything all the time that I questioned myself as well.

And then I realized that it doesn’t matter, ultimately, what you believe in. You’re either right or wrong but you’re going to meet the same end. So what really matters is what you do with this life, how you treat people here, how you live, how you made people around you feel.

Have you ever thought about that? How you make people feel? That’s what the world is composed of, is us and the people around us.

So I think that leading a life of making sure we are happy, and are leading the life we think is the best one to be leading given our situation, and we try to make things good for others as well…It doesn’t matter. Once you die, the afterlife is a whole other ballgame. No matter what you believe in you’re either right or you’re wrong but there’s no better way to lead up to that than just doing what you think is right.

Or at least, that’s just me.

And so I’ve been allowing people near me the benefit of unfolding the way I want them to allow me to do for them. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt in everything, challenging myself, learning lessons with them…and I gotta tell you it’s been fascinating.

People are…so unbelievable. We all are. And the world is full of unbelievable people waiting to be friends.

And I get it now, that not everyone wants to Love the way that I want to, and can, and am learning to.

So it’s not all about loving everyone else, but it’s definitely about loving yourself. And that’s a good start because right then, it’s the best kind of love. And then everything else gets a little easier. Just a little. Because life happens, and things get dark, the cycle continues and bad things happen. But if there’s that feeling of wonder and self-love? We’ll be excited for when things start to come around again.

And so it’s been like supernovas and explosions and magic and adventures and escapades with these amazing people showing me different sides of them. My friends…and sometimes perfect strangers. I’ve just been in shock.

And in

so

much

gratitude.

That I get to experience these people…they have chosen me as their friend…You are the prism to my eye…lighting up my life in small multi-colored bursts of light and love.

Thank you.

Totally head over heels in love with you,

Maelle

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